Confessions of a Teenage Blonde


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None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga. My actual New years resolution: look like a Victoria’s Secret model. If pink and glitter were vitamins I would be the healthiest person alive If it’s pink and if it sparkles, I either already own it or I will. My mind says Victoria’s Secret model, but my heart says chocolate, Starbucks, wine. Too much glitter isn’t enough glitter. I believe shopping is the best calorie burner Every time I see a brunette I think, “Bitch please.

My straightener is hotter than you.” Pink makes everything pretty. If you don’t love pink, you’re wrong. I can’t wear it Friday night if I’ve already taken a picture in it. The Holidays require extra glitter. I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails. Whenever I get blood work done, the nurse is always surprised to see glitter in the vial. You can never be too blonde. You only have one life to live; wear the sequins, fall in love, buy the shoes and never worry about what negative people think. My blood type is pink glitter My closet is full of clothes with the tags still on them but I shop anyways. Continue reading

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Christmas & Foolish Wife


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“Christmas is approaching. You must clean the house well,” said Jack to his wife. The silly wife thought that Christmas must be a man. “Are you Christmas?” she asked all the people passing by. One wily person, who was going down the street, said that his name was Christmas. The silly wife gave him everything inside the house. When her husband came to know of this, he was very angry.

“Be careful this time. Keep the pig for Christmas,” warned Jack. The stupid woman called the man who called himself Christmas and gave him the pig. When her husband came home and asked her about the pig, she said, “But you told me to give it to Christmas!” He held his head in despair and vowed never to say anything to her.

-The End-

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Hot sexy Pranks Best of Just For Laughs


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A Wish for Wings That Work (1991)


A Wish for Wings That Work: An Opus Christmas Story is a children’s book by Berkeley Breathed that was published in 1991. It was made into an animated television special that same year. The story is 30 pages long, and contains large color pictures every other page, and small black and white ones over the writing.

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Plot

The story centers on Opus the Penguin (who was at the time one of the main characters in Breathed’s comic strip Outland.) Opus is downhearted because, as a penguin, he cannot fly. He orders a machine and assembles it; when it comes time to test the machine by jumping off a three-mile-high cliff, Opus decides to do something less dangerous, and goes home to make anchovy Christmas cookies. He does not give up on his dream though, and makes a Christmas wish to Santa Claus for “wings that will go!” On Christmas Eve, Santa is making his usual delivery when he loses his reindeer and crashes into a lake. Opus jumps in and uses his natural swimming skills to pull Santa out. To thank Opus for his daring rescue, a group of ducks pick him up and take him flying through the air.

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Surprise Bag – Best of Just for Laughs Gags 2014


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Meeting St. Peter – Best Blonde Jokes


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Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”

The third blonde said, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”

“Very good!” said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted!

-The End-

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Top 7 Blonde Jokes of all time



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Blonde Jokes

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

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Basement Mold – Scary story


Basement Mold

The Basement Mold is a scary story about a family who move into a new house and find a strange fungus or mold growing in their basement and their young son acting very strange.

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A young family with one child moves into a new house. The child is a boy, 3 years old. The mother is in the basement one day doing laundry. She hears the boy in the next room playing. She hears him talking and goes to see what he is doing. He is standing looking at a wall and talking away as if someone were there. The mother asks to whom he is talking. The boy replies, “The Sticky Man.”

The parents just think the boy has invented an imaginary friend. He often tells them he was playing with or talking to the Sticky Man. Not just in the basement, but all over the house. The boy talks about the Sticky Man so much that the parents start to get concerned. They explain to the boy that it is okay to have imaginary friends, but he needs to understand that the Sticky Man is not real. This makes the boy very upset, and he insists the Sticky Man is real.

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Antique Doll – Scary Stories


Antique Doll

The Antique Doll is a scary story about a young girl who receives a strange gift on her birthday.

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On the morning of her birthday, Lucy’s mother woke her up and told her a package had arrived in the mail and it was addressed to her.

The girl hurriedly unwrapped the gift and was horrified at what she found inside. It was the most disgusting old doll she had ever seen. It was completely bald and it’s skin was cracked and caked in dirt. The worst thing of all was it’s teeth. They were long, pointy, sharp and beastly. They looked like an animal’s fangs.

With a shiver, she took the doll and threw it in a corner. Her mother scolded her, telling her that someone had gone to a lot of trouble to send her this antique doll. Her mother told her she had better appreciate it.

Lucy tried to protest but her mother would not listen. She forced the young girl to keep the doll. So, to put her mind at rest Lucy stuffed the antique doll into the little cupboard under the stairs, behind a pile of shoes where she wouldn’t have to look at the ugly, evil little thing.

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If Mona Lisa was alive today


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Cain and Abel Bible Story – Genesis 4:1-16


A long time ago, just after Adam and Eve had to leave the garden of Eden, they were very sad about disobeying God.  They asked God how they could show Him how sorry they were.  God told them that they could show Him how they felt by sacrificing a lamb, which they did.

After awhile, Adam and Eve had two sons.  Their first son was called Cain and their second was called Abel.

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Cain was a farmer.  He grew vegetables and grains.  Abel was a shepherd who looked the family’s herds.  Cain and Abel were like most siblings — they didn’t always get along.  But they were brothers and loved each other very much, despite their occasional fights.

Adam and Eve (their mom and dad) told Cain and Abel about the message God gave them that they should sacrifice a lamb to God to show how much they appreciated all He’d done and how sorry they were for their sins.

Abel was very concerned that his sacrifice be special to God.  He chose his first and best lamb and offered it to the Lord.  It was hard for Abel to give up his most prized possession, but it was important to him to try his best to do as God had asked.

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Bill Gates Goes to Heaven – real fun – real laugh


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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

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