Christmas & Foolish Wife


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“Christmas is approaching. You must clean the house well,” said Jack to his wife. The silly wife thought that Christmas must be a man. “Are you Christmas?” she asked all the people passing by. One wily person, who was going down the street, said that his name was Christmas. The silly wife gave him everything inside the house. When her husband came to know of this, he was very angry.

“Be careful this time. Keep the pig for Christmas,” warned Jack. The stupid woman called the man who called himself Christmas and gave him the pig. When her husband came home and asked her about the pig, she said, “But you told me to give it to Christmas!” He held his head in despair and vowed never to say anything to her.

-The End-

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Fence – Best Funny Story Ever


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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.

He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. “Satan!” beckoned God.

“You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!” “Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil. “I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God. “Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

-The End-

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If Mona Lisa was alive today


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-The End-

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Bill Gates Goes to Heaven – real fun – real laugh


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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

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April Fool’s Day Fun & Traditions


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Though pranksters and joke-lovers in many countries now gleefully prepare to dupe friends and loved ones on April Fool’s Day, no one knows exactly when or why, or even where, this tradition began.

A giddy spurt of practical joking seems to have coincided with the coming of spring since the time of the Ancient Romans and Celts, who celebrated a festival of mischief-making. The first mentions of an All Fool’s Day (as it was formerly called) came in Europe in the Middle Ages.

Some trace April Fool’s Day back to Roman mythology, particularly the story of Ceres, Goddess of the harvest, and her daughter, Proserpina.

Pluto, God of the Dead, abducted Proserpina and took her to live with him in the underworld. The girl called out to her mother, but Ceres could only hear the echo of her daughter’s voice and searched for her in vain.

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The Priest’s Rooster


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The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel, which he kept in a hen house behind the parish. However, one Saturday night, he found that his cockerel was missing. Suspecting fowl play, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.

“No, no,” he said, somewhat flustered, “that’s not what I meant. “Has anybody SEEN a cock?” All the women stood up.

“No, no,” he said. “That’s not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them.” Half the women stood up.

“No, no,” He said, now thoroughly embarrassed “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?” All the choirboys stood up.

-The End-

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-The End-

 

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven…


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The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?”

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The Emperor’s New Clothes – Full fairy tales


 translation of Hans Christian Andersen’s “Keiserens nye Klæder” by Jean Hersholt.

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The Emperor’s New Clothes

Many years ago there was an Emperor so exceedingly fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on being well dressed. He cared nothing about reviewing his soldiers, going to the theatre, or going for a ride in his carriage, except to show off his new clothes. He had a coat for every hour of the day, and instead of saying, as one might, about any other ruler, “The King’s in council,” here they always said. “The Emperor’s in his dressing room.”

In the great city where he lived, life was always gay. Every day many strangers came to town, and among them one day came two swindlers. They let it be known they were weavers, and they said they could weave the most magnificent fabrics imaginable. Not only were their colors and patterns uncommonly fine, but clothes made of this cloth had a wonderful way of becoming invisible to anyone who was unfit for his office, or who was unusually stupid.

“Those would be just the clothes for me,” thought the Emperor. “If I wore them I would be able to discover which men in my empire are unfit for their posts. And I could tell the wise men from the fools. Yes, I certainly must get some of the stuff woven for me right away.” He paid the two swindlers a large sum of money to start work at once.

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Daughter’s Valentine – funny story


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Small Jenny arrives home from second grade and says to her daddy which they studied
about the legend of Valentine’s Day. “As Valentine’s Day is actually for a Catholic saint and we are Judaic,” she questions, “will Jesus get insane at me for serving somebody a valentine?” Jenny’s dad wait and thinks a little, then replies “No, I do not presume God could get crazy. Who would would you like to provide a valentine to?””Bin Laden,” she replies. “The reason why Bin Laden,” the girl’s dad questions in surprise.
“OK,” she states, “I felt that when a tiny bit American Judaic girl perhaps have enough like to provide Osama a valentine, he might begin to presume that perhaps we are only a few bad, and perhaps start passionate people a bit of. And if any other kids spotted what I would have done and directed valentines to Osama, he would love all of them. Right after which he would start going all around the area to tell everyone how much cash he loved them and just how he did not hate anybody anymore.”Jenny’s dads heart swells and suddenly he looks at his child with new found pleasure. “Jenny, that is one particular nice thing i have ever noticed.” “I understand,” Jenny says, “and when that gets him out in an open place, the Marines could easily catch him.”

                -The End-
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A Religious Bear Hunter – Best Funny stories ever


This is one of the Funny bear stories…

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A man went out for hunting. He loved to hunt only bears. As the man trudged across the jungle searching for the bears, he got upon a big and sheer hill. As he thought that there might be bear on the other part of the mount, so he climbed up the sheer predispose and, just as he was pulling himself up over the previous projection of rocks, an enormous bear met him.

Violently the bear roared. It made the man so frightened that he could not keep the balance. He chopped down the mount with the bear close behind. As he fell down the mount, he mislaid his arms. When he lastly blocked at the base, he realized that his leg had been broken. Escape was not possible. So he (who was not religious at all) prayed, “God, if you turn this bear into Christian I would be glad with what you grant me for the future of my life.”

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The Halloween Surprise – Top US funny story


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A COUPLE was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

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Beaut Cure for a Headache


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Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

“I’ve got a beaut cure for a headache,” said his mate Trev. “Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.”

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. “Did you try my headache cure,” asked Trev. “Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!”

-The End –

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