Confessions of a Teenage Blonde


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None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga. My actual New years resolution: look like a Victoria’s Secret model. If pink and glitter were vitamins I would be the healthiest person alive If it’s pink and if it sparkles, I either already own it or I will. My mind says Victoria’s Secret model, but my heart says chocolate, Starbucks, wine. Too much glitter isn’t enough glitter. I believe shopping is the best calorie burner Every time I see a brunette I think, “Bitch please.

My straightener is hotter than you.” Pink makes everything pretty. If you don’t love pink, you’re wrong. I can’t wear it Friday night if I’ve already taken a picture in it. The Holidays require extra glitter. I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails. Whenever I get blood work done, the nurse is always surprised to see glitter in the vial. You can never be too blonde. You only have one life to live; wear the sequins, fall in love, buy the shoes and never worry about what negative people think. My blood type is pink glitter My closet is full of clothes with the tags still on them but I shop anyways. Continue reading

Funny Blonde and a Doctor


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A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.

She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. “Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!”

-The End-

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The Lion and the Statue


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Once upon a time in ancient Greece, a man and a lion were arguing with each other. The man said, “I am stronger than you are!” The lion got angry and insisted, “No! Never! How dare you say this! I am stronger!” Then, the man showed the lion a statue of Hercules tearing a lion in two.

The man said, “Look! I am stronger than you!” The clever lion replied, “A man made this statue. This is not how a lion would have made it! This sculptor did not ask this lion for his opinion before making the statue!” The man realised that the lion was speaking the truth. He said, “You are right. The reality is not always how we see it. Let us be friends!” The lion agreed and they became very good friends and never argued with each other again.

-The End-

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The Man and His Two Wives


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A man had two wives. One wife was named Sarah while the other was called Clara. The two wives hated each other and were always fighting. Now, the husband was a middle-aged man and he had white as well as black hair.

One day, Clara decided that the black hair did not look good on him. She wanted to pluck out all the black hair. The man did not want to make his wife angry and allowed her to do so. So Clara plucked out all his grey hair. When Sarah saw her husband, she was shocked. His hair was all white! Now her husband looked really old. To make him look younger, she insisted on plucking out all the white hair on his head. The poor husband was now totally bald trying to please both his wives.

 

-The End-

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A City Of Mice – Short Story


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Once there was a city. All the people had gone away from that city long ago. Now only mice lived there. They had dug holes in the ground and lived in them. So the city was now a city of mice.

One day a large herd of elephants passed through the city. They were on their way to the lake. As they marched through the city of the mice, their feet crushed the holes in which the mice lived. And thus thousands of mice were killed.

The rest of the mice held a meeting. “So many of us have been killed by these huge elephants,” they said. “If they come this way again, all of us shall be killed. We must ask them to find some other way back to their home.”

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The Funny Clever Wife


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There lived a Woman whose Husband had a bad habit. The man would drink a lot every day. This caused him to lose his normal senses for most of the time.

The Woman tried many times to help him get out of this habit. But all her efforts went in vain!

Every night, someone else would have to bring him back home. One such night when he was brought home, the Woman had him carried to a grave in the neighbourhood. She thought she could teach him a good lesson by frightening him and then he would stop his bad habit.

Then she dressed herself in a dark-coloured dress. She wore a mask upon her face. She waited for him to wake up.
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A Letter from Santa Claus – by Mark Twain


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Palace of Saint Nicholas in the Moon Christmas Morning

My Dear Susy Clemens,

I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me . . . . I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters–I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself–and kissed both of you, too . . . . But . . . there were . . . one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock . . . .

There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which . . . I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door.

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The Man Who Would be King – by Rudyard Kipling


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The Man Who Would Be King” (1888) is a novella by Rudyard Kipling. It is about two British adventurers in British India who become kings ofKafiristan, a remote part of Afghanistan. The story was inspired by the exploits of James Brooke, an Englishman who became the first White Rajah ofSarawak in Borneo; and by the travels of American adventurer Josiah Harlan, who was granted the title Prince of Ghor in perpetuity for himself and his descendants. It incorporates a number of other factual elements such as the European-like appearance of many Nuristani people, and an ending modelled on the return of the head of the explorer Adolf Schlagintweit to colonial administrators.[1]

The story was first published in The Phantom Rickshaw and other Eerie Tales (Volume Five of the Indian Railway Library, published by A. H. Wheeler & Co of Allahabad in 1888). It also appeared in Wee Willie Winkie and Other Child Stories in 1895, and in numerous later editions of that collection.

The Man Who Would be King

by Rudyard Kipling

The Law, as quoted, lays down a fair conduct of life, and one not easy to follow. I have been fellow to a beggar again and again under circumstances which prevented either of us finding out whether the other was worthy. I have still to be brother to a Prince, though I once came near to kinship with what might have been a veritable King, and was promised the reversion of a Kingdom–army, law-courts, revenue, and policy all complete. But, to-day, I greatly fear that my King is dead, and if I want a crown I must go hunt it for myself.

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Wish of The Lion – Grandma tales


Wish of The Lion :

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Once, a fierce lion lived in a forest. A woodcutter with his wife and their beautiful daughter Rupa lived in a small hut by the edge of the forest. One time the lion happened to see Rupa. He was so captivated by her beauty that he wished to make her his wife.

So the lion went to the woodcutter’s hut and roared loudly. “Woodcutter, I want to marry your daughter Rupa. If you refuse I will kill you all.”

The woodcutter said, “Let me ask my daughter first.”

He went inside the hut and came out a few minutes later. Then he said, “Rupa is scared of your sharp teeth and claws. She said if you would cut them off, she will agree to be your wife.”

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Elephant and Friends : Funny story


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Elephant and Friends :

One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.

He saw a monkey on a tree.

“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.

Replied the monkey, “You are too big. You can not swing from trees like me.”

Next, the elephant met a rabbit. He asked him to be his friends.

But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!”

Then the elephant met a frog.

“Will you be my friend? He asked.

“How can I?” asked the frog.

“You are too big to leap about like me.”

The elephant was upset. He met a fox next.

“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.

The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”

The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.

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One Thousand Dollars (By O. Henry)


One Thousand Dollars (By O. Henry)

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Our story today is called “One Thousand Dollars.” It was written by O. Henry. Here is Steve Ember with the story.

“One thousand dollars,” said the lawyer Tolman, in a severe and serious voice. “And here is the money.”

Young Gillian touched the thin package of fifty-dollar bills and laughed.

“It’s such an unusual amount,” he explained, kindly, to the lawyer. “If it had been ten thousand a man might celebrate with a lot of fireworks. Even fifty dollars would have been less trouble.”

“You heard the reading of your uncle’s will after he died,” continued the lawyer Tolman. “I do not know if you paid much attention to its details. I must remind you of one. You are required to provide us with a report of how you used this one thousand dollars as soon as you have spent it. I trust that you will obey the wishes of your late uncle.”

“You may depend on it,” said the young man respectfully.

Gillian went to his club. He searched for a man he called Old Bryson.

Old Bryson was a calm, anti-social man, about forty years old. He was in a corner reading a book. When he saw Gillian coming near he took a noisy, deep breath, laid down his book and took off his glasses.

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The Three Little Pigs – fairy tales best ever


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Once upon a time there was and old pig with three little pigs, and one day she said to them: “My children, it is time for you to go out in the world and seek your fortunes”.
So, bidding their mother good-bye, the three little pigs set out to earn their living.

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The first little pig, whose name was Whitey, met a man with a bundle of straw and said to him: “Please, mister, will you give me that straw to build a house with?”
The man gave Whitey the straw, and he built himself a house with it.

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Presently a wolf came along and knocked at the door of Whitey’s house.
“Little pig, little pig,” he said. “Let me come in.”
But of course Whitey didn’t want the wolf to come in, so he said:
“No, no, by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”
This made the wolf angry, and he said:

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