Either Screw or Swim – Funny Adult Story ( 18+ Jokes)


Either Screw or Swim

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Hot beach blonde

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”

“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike…boobs out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”

The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”

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Confessions of a Teenage Blonde


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None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga. My actual New years resolution: look like a Victoria’s Secret model. If pink and glitter were vitamins I would be the healthiest person alive If it’s pink and if it sparkles, I either already own it or I will. My mind says Victoria’s Secret model, but my heart says chocolate, Starbucks, wine. Too much glitter isn’t enough glitter. I believe shopping is the best calorie burner Every time I see a brunette I think, “Bitch please.

My straightener is hotter than you.” Pink makes everything pretty. If you don’t love pink, you’re wrong. I can’t wear it Friday night if I’ve already taken a picture in it. The Holidays require extra glitter. I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails. Whenever I get blood work done, the nurse is always surprised to see glitter in the vial. You can never be too blonde. You only have one life to live; wear the sequins, fall in love, buy the shoes and never worry about what negative people think. My blood type is pink glitter My closet is full of clothes with the tags still on them but I shop anyways. Continue reading

Funny Blonde and a Doctor


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A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.

She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. “Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!”

-The End-

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The Man and His Two Wives


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A man had two wives. One wife was named Sarah while the other was called Clara. The two wives hated each other and were always fighting. Now, the husband was a middle-aged man and he had white as well as black hair.

One day, Clara decided that the black hair did not look good on him. She wanted to pluck out all the black hair. The man did not want to make his wife angry and allowed her to do so. So Clara plucked out all his grey hair. When Sarah saw her husband, she was shocked. His hair was all white! Now her husband looked really old. To make him look younger, she insisted on plucking out all the white hair on his head. The poor husband was now totally bald trying to please both his wives.

 

-The End-

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Christmas & Foolish Wife


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“Christmas is approaching. You must clean the house well,” said Jack to his wife. The silly wife thought that Christmas must be a man. “Are you Christmas?” she asked all the people passing by. One wily person, who was going down the street, said that his name was Christmas. The silly wife gave him everything inside the house. When her husband came to know of this, he was very angry.

“Be careful this time. Keep the pig for Christmas,” warned Jack. The stupid woman called the man who called himself Christmas and gave him the pig. When her husband came home and asked her about the pig, she said, “But you told me to give it to Christmas!” He held his head in despair and vowed never to say anything to her.

-The End-

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The Funny Clever Wife


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There lived a Woman whose Husband had a bad habit. The man would drink a lot every day. This caused him to lose his normal senses for most of the time.

The Woman tried many times to help him get out of this habit. But all her efforts went in vain!

Every night, someone else would have to bring him back home. One such night when he was brought home, the Woman had him carried to a grave in the neighbourhood. She thought she could teach him a good lesson by frightening him and then he would stop his bad habit.

Then she dressed herself in a dark-coloured dress. She wore a mask upon her face. She waited for him to wake up.
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Fence – Best Funny Story Ever


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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.

He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. “Satan!” beckoned God.

“You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!” “Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil. “I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God. “Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

-The End-

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Top 7 Blonde Jokes of all time



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Blonde Jokes

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

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Choose Ex-teachers – Funny Adult Jokes


Choose Ex-teachers

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A horny young man went to a brothel… The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses… they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers…. they…”

Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”

Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”

Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”

-The End-

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Bill Gates Goes to Heaven – real fun – real laugh


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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

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April Fool’s Day Fun & Traditions


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Though pranksters and joke-lovers in many countries now gleefully prepare to dupe friends and loved ones on April Fool’s Day, no one knows exactly when or why, or even where, this tradition began.

A giddy spurt of practical joking seems to have coincided with the coming of spring since the time of the Ancient Romans and Celts, who celebrated a festival of mischief-making. The first mentions of an All Fool’s Day (as it was formerly called) came in Europe in the Middle Ages.

Some trace April Fool’s Day back to Roman mythology, particularly the story of Ceres, Goddess of the harvest, and her daughter, Proserpina.

Pluto, God of the Dead, abducted Proserpina and took her to live with him in the underworld. The girl called out to her mother, but Ceres could only hear the echo of her daughter’s voice and searched for her in vain.

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The three legged chickens


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A couple was driving the car on a country road. Suddenly a three legged chicken came running after the car, passed it and run into a side road.

“Wow!” said the husband “Did you see how fast that chicken could run!” Shortly after another chicken came and passed the car with a tremendous speed. The wife said “And did you see that it had three legs!”

Now they were really curious about these chickens so they descided to follow the road where the three legged chickens just went. Eventually they came up to a farm and to their surprise there were many three legged chickens running around. The farmer came out to greet them. Now they had to ask him about how is it possible to breed three legs chickens?

The farmer explained: “You see we are three in this family, me, my wife and our son. And every time we had chicken to eat, we all wanted the chicken club. So we tried and tried and managed to create a rase of three legged chicken so we all could have a club!

Fantastic! And how does this chickens taste?
“Well”, said the farmer, “there is a problem – we have still not been able to catch one!”

-The End-

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