Meeting St. Peter – Best Blonde Jokes


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Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”

The third blonde said, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”

“Very good!” said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted!

-The End-

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Top 7 Blonde Jokes of all time



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Blonde Jokes

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

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A Letter from Santa Claus – by Mark Twain


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Palace of Saint Nicholas in the Moon Christmas Morning

My Dear Susy Clemens,

I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me . . . . I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters–I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself–and kissed both of you, too . . . . But . . . there were . . . one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock . . . .

There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which . . . I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door.

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A Kidnapped Santa Claus – by L. Frank Baum


A Kidnapped Santa Claus

Santa Claus lives in the Laughing Valley, where stands the big, rambling castle in which his toys are manufactured. His workmen, selected from the ryls, knooks, pixies and fairies, live with him, and every one is as busy as can be from one year’s end to another.

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 It is called the Laughing Valley because everything there is happy and gay. The brook chuckles to itself as it leaps rollicking between its green banks; the wind whistles merrily in the trees; the sunbeams dance lightly over the soft grass, and the violets and wild flowers look smilingly up from their green nests. To laugh one needs to be happy; to be happy one needs to be content. And throughout the Laughing Valley of Santa Claus contentment reigns supreme.

     On one side is the mighty Forest of Burzee. At the other side stands the huge mountain that contains the Caves of the Daemons. And between them the Valley lies smiling and peaceful.

     One would think that our good old Santa Claus, who devotes his days to making children happy, would have no enemies on all the earth; and, as a matter of fact, for a long period of time he encountered nothing but love wherever he might go.

     But the Daemons who live in the mountain caves grew to hate Santa Claus very much, and all for the simple reason that he made children happy.

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The Cactus – by O. Henry (1862-1910)


The most notable thing about Time is that it is so purely relative. A large amount of reminiscence is, by common consent, conceded to the drowning man; and it is not past belief that one may review an entire courtship while removing one’s gloves.

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That is what Trysdale was doing, standing by a table in his bachelor apartments. On the table stood a singular-looking green plant in a red earthen jar. The plant was one of the species of cacti, and was provided with long, tentacular leaves that perpetually swayed with the slightest breeze with a peculiar beckoning motion.

Trysdale’s friend, the brother of the bride, stood at a sideboard complaining at being allowed to drink alone. Both men were in evening dress. White favors like stars upon their coats shone through the gloom of the apartment.

As he slowly unbuttoned his gloves, there passed through Trysdale’s mind a swift, scarifying retrospect of the last few hours. It seemed that in his nostrils was still the scent of the flowers that had been banked in odorous masses about the church, and in his ears the lowpitched hum of a thousand well-bred voices, the rustle of crisp garments, and, most insistently recurring, the drawling words of the minister irrevocably binding her to another.

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The Man Who Would be King – by Rudyard Kipling


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The Man Who Would Be King” (1888) is a novella by Rudyard Kipling. It is about two British adventurers in British India who become kings ofKafiristan, a remote part of Afghanistan. The story was inspired by the exploits of James Brooke, an Englishman who became the first White Rajah ofSarawak in Borneo; and by the travels of American adventurer Josiah Harlan, who was granted the title Prince of Ghor in perpetuity for himself and his descendants. It incorporates a number of other factual elements such as the European-like appearance of many Nuristani people, and an ending modelled on the return of the head of the explorer Adolf Schlagintweit to colonial administrators.[1]

The story was first published in The Phantom Rickshaw and other Eerie Tales (Volume Five of the Indian Railway Library, published by A. H. Wheeler & Co of Allahabad in 1888). It also appeared in Wee Willie Winkie and Other Child Stories in 1895, and in numerous later editions of that collection.

The Man Who Would be King

by Rudyard Kipling

The Law, as quoted, lays down a fair conduct of life, and one not easy to follow. I have been fellow to a beggar again and again under circumstances which prevented either of us finding out whether the other was worthy. I have still to be brother to a Prince, though I once came near to kinship with what might have been a veritable King, and was promised the reversion of a Kingdom–army, law-courts, revenue, and policy all complete. But, to-day, I greatly fear that my King is dead, and if I want a crown I must go hunt it for myself.

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Head in the toilet prank – Just For Laughs


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Basement Mold – Scary story


Basement Mold

The Basement Mold is a scary story about a family who move into a new house and find a strange fungus or mold growing in their basement and their young son acting very strange.

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A young family with one child moves into a new house. The child is a boy, 3 years old. The mother is in the basement one day doing laundry. She hears the boy in the next room playing. She hears him talking and goes to see what he is doing. He is standing looking at a wall and talking away as if someone were there. The mother asks to whom he is talking. The boy replies, “The Sticky Man.”

The parents just think the boy has invented an imaginary friend. He often tells them he was playing with or talking to the Sticky Man. Not just in the basement, but all over the house. The boy talks about the Sticky Man so much that the parents start to get concerned. They explain to the boy that it is okay to have imaginary friends, but he needs to understand that the Sticky Man is not real. This makes the boy very upset, and he insists the Sticky Man is real.

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The Brothers Grimm – ( Life , History , Biography , List of Fairy tales)


The Brothers Grimm (German: Brüder Grimm or Die Gebrüder Grimm), Jacob (1785–1863) and Wilhelm Grimm (1786–1859), wereGerman academics, linguists, cultural researchers, lexicographers and authors who together collected and published folklore. They are among the most well-known storytellers of folk tales, popularizing stories such as “Cinderella” (Aschenputtel), “The Frog Prince” (Der Froschkönig), “Hansel and Gretel” (Hänsel und Gretel), “Rapunzel”, “Rumpelstiltskin” (Rumpelstilzchen), and “Snow White” (Schneewittchen). Their first collection of folk tales, Children’s and Household Tales (Kinder- und Hausmärchen), was published in 1812.

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The brothers spent their formative years first in the German town of Hanau. Their father’s death in 1796, (when Jacob was eleven and Wilhelm ten), caused great poverty for the family and affected the brothers for many years. They both attended the University of Marburgand at the same time developed a curiosity for folklore, which grew into a lifelong dedication to collecting German folk tales.

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The Sleeping Beauty – Full Story with Beautiful Images


The Sleeping Beauty” (French: La Belle au bois dormant “The Beauty sleeping in the Wood”) by Charles Perrault or “Little Briar Rose” (German: Dornröschen) by the Brothers Grimm is a classic fairytale involving a beautiful princess, enchantment of sleep, and a handsome prince. Written as an original literary tale, it was first published by Charles Perrault in Histoires ou contes du temps passé in 1697.

Sleeping-Beauty

Sleeping Beauty (Little Brier Rose)

In times past there lived a king and queen, who said to each other every day of their lives, “Would that we had a child!” and yet they had none. But it happened once that when the queen was bathing, there came a frog out of the water, and he squatted on the ground, and said to her: “Thy wish shall be fulfilled; before a year has gone by, thou shalt bring a daughter into the world.”

And as the frog foretold, so it happened; and the queen bore a daughter so beautiful that the king could not contain himself for joy, and he ordained a great feast. Not only did he bid to it his relations, friends, and acquaintances, but also the wise women, that they might be kind and favourable to the child. There were thirteen of them in his kingdom, but as he had only provided twelve golden plates for them to eat from, one of them had to be left out.
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Antique Doll – Scary Stories


Antique Doll

The Antique Doll is a scary story about a young girl who receives a strange gift on her birthday.

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On the morning of her birthday, Lucy’s mother woke her up and told her a package had arrived in the mail and it was addressed to her.

The girl hurriedly unwrapped the gift and was horrified at what she found inside. It was the most disgusting old doll she had ever seen. It was completely bald and it’s skin was cracked and caked in dirt. The worst thing of all was it’s teeth. They were long, pointy, sharp and beastly. They looked like an animal’s fangs.

With a shiver, she took the doll and threw it in a corner. Her mother scolded her, telling her that someone had gone to a lot of trouble to send her this antique doll. Her mother told her she had better appreciate it.

Lucy tried to protest but her mother would not listen. She forced the young girl to keep the doll. So, to put her mind at rest Lucy stuffed the antique doll into the little cupboard under the stairs, behind a pile of shoes where she wouldn’t have to look at the ugly, evil little thing.

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Choose Ex-teachers – Funny Adult Jokes


Choose Ex-teachers

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A horny young man went to a brothel… The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses… they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers…. they…”

Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”

Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”

Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”

-The End-

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