Joke of the Day – A man walks into a bar with a dog.


A man walks into a bar with a dog. 

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The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
“You don’t understand,” says the man. “This is no regular dog, he can talk.”
“Listen, pal,” says the bartender. “If that dog can talk, I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, “What’s on top of a house?”
“Roof!”
“Right. And what’s on the outside of a tree?”
“Bark!”
“And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!”
“I guess you’ve heard enough,” says the man. “I’ll take the hundred in twenties.”
The bartender is furious. “Listen, pal,” he says, “get out of here before I belt you.”
As soon as they’re on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, “Do you think I should have said ‘DiMaggio’?”

The End

Funny Blonde Jokes ( Top 5 )


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The Boss interviewed the blonde for a job.
He asked, “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The blonde said, “Everything but my earrings.”


The blonde couldn’t find a Christmas tree in the woods.
So she said, “The next tree we see, we’ll cut it down whether it’s decorated or not.”


A diet doctor told the blonde to eat for two days, then skip a day, and repeat.
Next week he asked her how the diet was going.
“All right,” she said, “but I’m so tired from all the skipping.”


The blonde said, “My new thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Her boss asked, “What’s in it?”
She said, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”


A blonde looked into a mirror.
She said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The other blonde grabbed the mirror and said, “You dummy, it’s me!”

The Selfish Giant – untold fairy tales


The Selfish Giant

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Every afternoon, as they were coming from school, the children used to go and play in the Giant’s garden.
It was a large lovely garden, with soft green grass. Here and there over the grass stood beautiful flowers like stars, and there were twelve peach-trees that in the spring-time broke out into delicate blossoms of pink and pearl, and in the autumn bore rich fruit. The birds sat on the trees and sang so sweetly that the children used to stop their games in order to listen to them. “How happy we are here!” they cried to each other.

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One day the Giant came back. He had been to visit his friend the Cornish ogre, and had stayed with him for seven years. After the seven years were over he had said all that he had to say, for his conversation was limited, and he determined to return to his own castle. When he arrived he saw the children playing in the garden.
“What are you doing here?” he cried in a very gruff voice, and the children ran away.
“My own garden is my own garden,” said the Giant; “any one can understand that, and I will allow nobody to play in it but myself.”

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Car Story – Most wanted funny story ever


Car Story

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A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he
was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety
competition.
“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.
The man responded, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my
license.”
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in,
“Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop,
blurted out, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked,
“Are we over the border yet?”
The End

Hospital Record – Fun fun fun


Hospital Record

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Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.

When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr. Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation

“I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn’t realize I was that bad,” he said to the doctor apologetically. “I hope I didn’t offend anyone.”

He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant “Short Of Breath” and not what he thought (S.O.B.).

A Box Of Puppies – Best jokes series


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A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, “Republicans.” The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, “Thatta boy!”

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy’s house, winked at Dick and said, “Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?”

The boy said, “Democracts”

Bush looked crushed, saying, “What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!”

The boy said, “Well, the puppies opened their eyes.”

 

Best of just for fun – only on jesurajlove.com


 

Funny Story About Neighbors ~ The Drug Bust

Floyd made a phone call. “Hello? Is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What can I do for you?” the agent asked.

“I’m calling to report on my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Virgil’s house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.

Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.

They sneered at Virgil as they left.

A few minutes later, Virgil’s phone rang.

“Hey, Virgil. This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Sure did.”

“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

Funny Story About Marriage ~ Twenty Dollars in the Bank


Twenty Dollars in the Bank

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out…

“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

I’m still sleeping… ha – ha ha – ha ha


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Mom calls, “Get up Paul.”

Nothing. No movement. Just quiet.

She calls again, “Get up Paul!”

Still nothing. Still no movement. Still just quiet.

“I mean it. I’m gonna come up and get you
if you don’t come down now, Paul!”

To which Paul says, “Ha – ha ha – ha ha, I’m still sleeping.”

“Okay Paul,” says mom as she walks up the stairs,
“I’m coming up now.”

“Ha – ha ha – ha ha. You can’t find me.
I am hiding… in my dreams.”

Have fun